Scubaman is our faithful dive buddy. He is always keeping an eye on us, and when things go wrong, he'll be there: greatly amused by watching it.
The Life Story Of Scubaman
(Short Version)
A long, long time ago, on a planet far away from our own, a child was conceived. This child was special, though, and had a birth mark on its forearm in the shape of a pair of fins. This child was later to have a great effect on the diving community and was to receive a name similar to the one that kid from Krypton got. This child spent the first five years of its life learning the gas laws; the next five, learning the anatomy of a scuba set; and the following four learning the physiological effects of living at pressure.
At the age of 14 he joined the Planet Xenon Sub-Aqua Club, a Special Branch of the British Sub-Aqua Club. He completed his Novice course in two weeks, and, by the time he was 15, had reached Advanced Diver, and had logged over 1200 dives in open water. He then went off to complete some Skill Development Courses, such as drysuit diver and titanium-wetsuit diver. On his 16th birthday he decided it was time to move on and he successfully completed a Nitrox course.
By the time he was 17 he had his own stab jacket and owned a dive shop offering products from such manufacturers as Zeagle, DUI, Scubapro, Sherwood, Poseidon, Underwater Kinetics, Submersible Systems Inc, Parker Pens Ink, etc.
On his 18th birthday his uncle got him his very own hyperbaric chamber, which was good because that year he needed recompression treatment 12½ times.
When he was 19 there was the threat that his planet would explode and everything on it would die, or at least never be able to dive again. His parents put him in a specially adapted submarine along with educational materials like the BSAC Sport Diving Manual and a fish identification chart. They launched him deep into space. When he had reached the 55m mark, and was about to change over to trimix, the planet exploded. It was then that the realised that his life would never be the same again - he would never see his parents again, but more importantly, he had forgotten his snorkel and would forever more have to dive without one.
He crash landed in the Pacific Ocean, 20 miles out of Malibu Beach. A US Coast Guard ship approached his vessel and its crew boarded his adapted submarine. They searched thoroughly under his mattress and found that he was not a drug-trafficker. They did notice, however, that his book shelf was full of BSAC books, so they gave him a free copy of the PADI Open Water Diver Manual, which, fortunately, he never got round to reading.
He decided that he’d hang around L.A. for a few days, and maybe visit Disneyland. He saw adverts for diving in Hawaii and figured that he may as well give it a go. He hopped on the evening American Airlines flight, which he enjoyed very much, and complemented the air-hostess on the little packet of peanuts.
He spent a week diving out of Waikiki Beach, but got totally bored ‘cos there were no decent wrecks. He heard all these people talking about a place that was supposed to be good for cold-water wreck diving, it was some small island called England. The thought struck him that he could go and try it out and on the way he could visit Paris and Rome.
After arriving in England he quickly located the nearest BSAC Branch and applied for membership. He soon realised how great a country the United Kingdom is and was proud to have our passport stamp on page 21.
The D.O. of the Minibus Drivers’ Sub-Aqua Club took him diving in Stoney Cove to assess his skills. It was there that he first discovered he had special powers - he could dive safely without a buddy-line!
The D.O., a competent Assistant Club Instructor, was satisfied with the new member’s ability and arranged it so that he could go on the dive trip to the James Egan Layne. He enjoyed this dive so much that he wanted to go again. They decided that there were too many people stirring up the vis on the James Egan Layne, so they went to the Moldavia instead.
Over New Year there was no night dive at Stoney, so he decided to visit Buckingham Palace instead. He had a guided tour and was dying to see the scuba store. But in order to get there they had to go via the dining room. The Queen was at the table enjoying dinner in front of the telly. He said hi to her and congratulated her on having so many good wrecks around her country. She was jolly pleased and suggested that sometime maybe he could go diving with Charlie.
He continued to dive and gain many more internationally recognised qualifications. He later went on to become the BSAC Chief Compass Diver Examiner, and the Chairman of the IAFTUOS (International Association For The Use Of Snorkels).
Well, ok enough about Scubaman’s cousin’s flatmate’s brother’s daughter’s uncle’s best friend’s hairdresser’s long lost father’s half-brother’s step son, and on to Scubaman himself. ...oh, look, its getting late, maybe some other time, eh?
The information contained within this page is intended for amusement only.
Written by Andrew Pugsley.
E-mail: diver@ukgateway.net
Featured in the April-May 1997 issue of School Diver magazine.
